As I write these blogs on the other side of this 30 year battle for my heart, I see the goal all along in my story: to know the love of God for me. Every single event in my life is all so that I can know God loves me—to experience it deeply and not just know it in my head. It truly changes everything, and it will spill out onto others, which is part of the goal.
But I didn’t know that this is His goal as my story unfolded. He just kept asking for my trust as He proved Himself to me. Not by giving me everything I asked for, but through the hard, dark times. As I have been writing my story with God, I have seen that my ability to hear Him slowly increased. The “turning points” of hearing His direction have gotten closer and closer together. Like it’s one long conversation with God, or it could be, if I was paying attention more often. The more I listen for His voice, the more often I hear it. And I’m getting better at it a little at a time.
Some guidance He gave me as I was sorting out family stuff has become a light to follow through the darkness of life. You know, the stuff from your family of origin that really drives you crazy or hurts, and you don’t want to become like that. While I was living with my grandmother, I found that after one year, I truly disliked her. (God also addressed my dislike, and I lived with her for another year until I learned to love her better.) She was so many things I never wanted to become, and I asked God how to avoid becoming like her. He gave me two words: Follow Me.
I remember feeling a bit stunned by such a simple statement, thinking, Really, that’s it!?! But truly, that encompasses so much. It was so simple, and I needed it to be simple. I’m so thankful God didn’t make it complex. As I follow Him, He frees me from sin passed down from my family as well as my own junk if I fix my gaze to follow Him. Sometimes I’ve been close on His heels, and other times I’ve run away. But He always calls me back to Him, and never gives up on me.
God’s taught me to lean in closer, follow deeper, when I don’t know what’s going on or I don’t know where He is in my life. He hasn’t gone anywhere, actually. I’m the one lost. Learning to wait for His purposes and plans is really hard, and there is so much waiting in this life. But trusting Him that He is good and learning that He loves me is always the goal. My whole story hinges on this point.