My mom dropped me off at Bible school for two years, and I settled down in the USA as best as I could as a third culture kid (TCK). Thankfully, this school also had many TCKs, and so it didn’t feel quite so foreign to me. One of these TCKs was a guy who decided that I was worth pursuing. This was a new experience for me since no guy had ever showed interest in me before, and I dove into a relationship with him. And so began an intense battle for my heart, one that would last about 30 years, although I didn’t know it at the time.
The nice young man and I were engaged on Valentine’s Day the last semester of Bible school. (The same day I came down with chicken pox and spread it to the whole school for the rest of the semester.) But I was so excited! We started premarital counseling with a couple on staff there. Then God started whispering to me about my relationship with this guy, although I didn’t know it was Him. I started to wonder if this guy was mature enough for marriage (because I was, of course, Ha!). So I asked our premarital counselors, and they tactfully said it wouldn’t hurt to wait a bit to get married. We were only 19 years old.
Proverbs 4:23 says to guard my heart above all else because everything I do flows from it (NIV). The enemy knows this, and so he went after my heart. And not with something overtly evil because this guy was very nice. But this relationship captured my heart in a way that is only intended for God Himself. And anything less than God Himself will disappoint and hurt me in the long run. I desperately wanted to be loved and known, but only God fills that void with true wholeness. I put this relationship in God’s place. But I would not realize this for several years.
As I was trying to explain my hesitations and doubts to my fiance, I heard God very clearly speak to me, not audibly, but the clearest I had heard so far. I was to break up with this guy for his benefit. For my benefit, too, although my pride wouldn’t have allowed me hear that at the time. So I did, and a peace I’d never felt before flooded over me. I knew I had done what God had asked me to do. And then tears came for both of us, and the soul crushing pain of a broken heart. I remember walking past a bar during the next few weeks, and for the first time, realizing why someone would want to get drunk.
I did hold out some hope that this was just temporary, and for a brief time after graduation, we tried to pick our relationship back up again. But it didn’t work out well, and I spiraled into suicidal thoughts. I just wanted the pain to stop. The only reason I didn’t try to end my life was because I thought I might fail in my attempt and make my life worse.
After Bible school, I lived with my grandmother for two years. And in this place, I didn’t have a lot of friends, and it was very lonely. But it was in this lonely, suicidal time of my life that God began a relationship with me that eventually shone light into my darkness. He stepped out of the written word and began showing me that He is real and is interested in me as a person. I had asked Him to prove He is truth and that He is real, and He did. I began to know God, not just know about Him, and He was not just my parent’s God and the theology I grew up with. My suicidal thoughts eventually subsided.
Several tangible ways that He showed His care for me was in providing for me financially while I was sick with mono. I couldn’t work for several months, and my car payment and insurance was due. I had tossed and turned all night worrying about it, and the next morning I got a phone call from one of my mom’s friends. She wanted to send me some money, which was enough to pay for those bills, and she hadn’t even known that I was having problems. A friend of mine also paid my credit card bill.
This battle for my heart would last another 30 years because after it broke, I locked it down. God slowly, kindly, lovingly began a siege on the fortress of my heart at this time. He was in this battle for the long haul and knew exactly all the things it would take to break through. My turbulent, frightening childhood mixed with this heartbreak made my walls extra thick. I now knew God was real, and I was starting to know Him, but my heart was sealed off to His love. There was too much pain in that place. But love is stronger death (Song of Songs 8:6), which I was choosing to “stay safe”, and God’s love would slowly chip away at my defenses. Because He says I am worth it.